A man has a terrible disease. It is creating oozing sores all over his body. He is weak and wasting away, getting weaker every day, is in severe pain. He is vomiting and has begun to cough up blood. After weeks of thinking it will get better but with never any sign of receding, he finally decides to go to the hospital. After what seems like an eternity of sitting in the ER and then the doctors office  then the doctor’s office, the doctor finally comes in.


“What seems to be the problem?” the doctor asks generically, still looking down at his clipboard.


“I have this terrible disease,” the man says, his voice cracking. “Would you please cure me?”


The doctor does a quick examination and looks back at the man. “Well, you are alive, luckily. What is it you want me to do?”


“Cure me!” the man snaps, his voice cracking.


The doctor [surprisingly] looks puzzled. “Of what?”


“Of this disease!” the man responds, appearing confused. “Whatever is wrong with me, I want it gone.”


The doctor looks at him. “I don’t see any disease. I just see your skin and organs and a large amount of a certain virus all throughout your body.”


“Yes,” the man says with a sigh of relief. “The virus…can you stop it?”


The doctor scoffs. “Stop it? Why would I do that?”


“It’s killing me,” the man says, appearing to get weaker.


The doctor, still confused, “But you are alive, and talking. How could you think it is killing you?”


“Are you kidding?” the man asks, shocked. “Can’t you see the state I’m in?”


“Yes, it is less than ideal,” replies the doctor in a patronizing tone. “However, I think the virus is necessary.”


The man jerks his head up. “Necessary?!?”


“Why yes,” the doctor says confidently. “In the condition you are in, you should be dead. We’d better leave the virus there, you might not be able to live without it.”


The man now has a look of disbelief crawling across his face. “But the virus is why I am in this condition.”


“No, no,” responds the doctor, patronizing again. “You’re just a weak and unhealthy person. But you are alive, which is surprising. It could only be this virus that is making the difference.”


“I want you to kill it,” the man responds desperately.


“Kill it?” asks the doctor, surprised. “Oh, no, we couldn’t do that. Your kidneys are barely functioning. Tell you what. I’ll just kill some of the virus, but keep the amount you need still there. Your kidneys at least really need it.”


The doctor turns his back before the patient responds, heading for the medicine drawer.


After thinking for a moment the patient looks up again, “But won’t it just grow and infect the rest of me again?” he asks in a hesitant voice.


The doctor, his back still turned, begins to shake his head. “No, no. I’ll give you something to keep it limited.”


“O…. OK,” the man replies, now confused. “If you think it will help.”


After a moment, the doctor closes the drawer and returns to the man. “Roll up your sleeve, I’m going to give you a shot.”


The man lets out another sigh of relief. “Thank you. What kind of medicine is it?”


The doctor smiles. “Oh, it’s not medicine, it’s more of the virus. I think we can make it smaller by injecting more of it.”


The man pulls back his arm a little into his sleeve. “But… I…”


“Yeah,” the doctor says, pleased with himself. “If this doesn’t work you can come back and we can do an operation and cut a majority of it out of you.”


The man starts to breathe heavy. Panic begins to take over. “Only a majority? I don’t think we should risk it. If it doesn’t work, shouldn’t we cut it all out?”


“Oh, dear, no!” the doctor chuckles.” Removing the whole thing would be way too utopian. We would just cut most of it out, then we’d just write “DON’T GROW” on the remaining 20% in magic marker and call it a Constitution.”


“Are you crazy?!” the man yells, now looking belligerent.


“Look, I’m the doctor, and I know what I am doing. You’ve had this virus all of your life. It’s just the way you are. You can’t change it, and it would be dangerous to try. You might get an even worse virus, or, God forbid, have no virus at all and then you would die. Trust me. Just a little more of this virus will keep you alive as long as possible.”



-Talking to a statist.-